Wise Pagan Perspectives | Children and parenting at Wiccan and Pagan gatherings

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The sun has risen past Aquarius and is moving steadily toward Taurus, and the camping gear is beginning to send that quiet signal that the Gathering Season has returned. Everyone is anticipating the first main ritual of the season and being a part of the entire Pagan throng dressed in finery, that they stayed up until 2 am the night before the gathering to make. The throng files solemnly into main ritual space as the moon in her fullness casts shimmering shadows on the floor of the temple carpeted with small white and purple flowers. The High Priestess stands ready in the center of the circle and as everyone settles down, she declares, “Now we will ground and center!”

Right on cue, it cuts through the night like a coven sword through the wind, “NOOOOO ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGG! STOP! Leave me a – a- looooonnnnnnnneeeeeee.” In unison (only found in the Pagan community when scolding bad parenting) the entire 200-person circle whips their heads around to see the offending child and harried Mother Priestess both near tears. The High Priestess holds a plastic grin and her teeth grind audibly.

What’s a Pagan parent to do? Don’t come to a gathering? Do those childless Pagans not understand the inherent need to have a conversation in English versus baby babble? They think staying at home with small children is so easy... After all, there is no commute! However, that is the problem – there is no commute! That Mother Priestess hadn’t had a chance to participate in a ritual in over nine months and the opportunity presented itself and she took it – can you blame her?

Well, yes – after all she chose to bring the unmanageable Fae to circle and the gathering right? The fact is, if that child grows up and doesn’t go to school, the truancy officer is going to fine HER, not the pagan community. She is the legal and responsible party for that child’s behavior…and SHE must hold the keys to banishing the gritting of teeth at rituals.

The problem is that the keys to the mystery of parenting are a closer guarded secret than The Great Mysteries ever were. It just isn’t as easy as it might seem.

There is the packing to get done, not for one lone Pagan, but for two or three or five or even seven. They have to get everything together, food, special food for the one who can’t eat peanuts and the one who won’t eat anything but cheese sandwiches with miracle whip. A good Father Priest isn’t going to forget the medicine for the problems everyone has right now and might contract on site – bug bites, poison ivy, tummy aches. There is the remembering of the CD player and batteries to play the lullabies to help Connla get to sleep. Don’t forget the Frisbees, crayons and coloring books just incase the site doesn’t provide adequate child age diversion. Goddess forbid, you get to the site that first night and discover the sacred sleep inducing Golden Blanky has been left behind along with Flippy, the traveling bear. The thought of it even a good 30 days before the first gathering gates open, is enough to send a Mother Priestess into a widdershins spiral.

There are Four Keys to Gathering Preparation that have recently been uncovered by a band of daring Mother Priestesses and Father Priests. They have fought through the flaying arms of their mischievous Fae and used these keys to unlock the gates of knowledge and retrieve the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety.

The 1st Key is that Family Covens are primarily responsible for first exposing their children to ritual. The time for this first exposure is NOT at a gathering. When you practice ritual etiquette at home, it prepares children for the public events they will attend. How can any parent possibly expect a child to behave in an unfamiliar environment doing unfamiliar things?

The 2nd Key is that Family Covens should not ignore the needs of the Pagan Community. When a person attends a large public event, they aren’t coming to hear your child scream. There is no doubt you are worn out and have a need for spiritual ease as much as the next person. However, it isn’t the community’s responsibility to ensure you get that time. Hire a baby sitter if your child is too young to not be disruptive. If you must bring your child, leave circle if they begin to cause a disruption. Have some respect for those who have come seeking solace and a moment of quiet reflection.

The 3rd Key is a lack of focus on the part of Pagan Parents on the art of parenting. Children are Pagan parent’s magical legacy. Just like the science and art of magic, parenting is a learning and remembering how to mold, shape and direct maids and warriors. No one expects that you know what to do up front! There are resources available, Pagan and otherwise. Do not be ashamed or afraid to take advantage of them. Attend parenting classes, network and compare tactics with other Mother Priestesses and Father Priests, find a local Family Wiccan Community, or start one in your area, and plug into their support and love. Don’t be blinded by love to the monster you may be raising and don’t wait. The older our children get, the harder it is going to be to make sure they are pointed in the right direction. Spend the same amount of time learning to be a parent, that you have spent learning to be a Witch, a Pagan or a Wiccan.

The 4th Key exposed the 13 Points of Family Coven Safety. These points are guidelines and common sense suggestions that have helped Mother Priestesses and Father Priests feel empowered to take on the Gathering Scene as a family with children:

Gathering Etiquette When Children Are Involved
by Lydia Crabtree

1. Get your priorities straight. Family Coven is the thing you should be devoted to first and foremost. Your children are your magical legacy. Treat them that way and above all else be prepared to defend that. Be prepared to monitor your children, if the energy is too much if the exposure is too much, be prepared to leave the event to restore calm and order to your Family Coven, if necessary.

2. Investigate the group you are going to participate with, especially if you are attending a gathering. Ask around. What do people say about previous events? What does their website or flyer information say about drug use – or does it say anything? If you are in a divorce situation, ask yourself whether you risk your custodial rites by participating with this group. Write the sponsors and ask them about the things you are concerned about. It is a sad fact that there are groups that value individual rights over the laws of the governing body and the common sense that keeps kids safe. Be sure you are exposing your children only to safe environments.

3. Prepare your Family Coven. Do ritual at home, explain the Pagan ways and tell them what they can expect at an event. Teach them basic shielding techniques.

4. Set expectations of behavior. Set up a reward system for good behavior with your children. Don’t just discuss good behavior for your children, tell your children how others should treat them. Prepare them to identify when adults are acting inappropriately and prepare them to take the proper steps to protect themselves.

5. You’re a Witch, use magic. Visualize your Family Coven connected by a color that is associated with your Family Coven. On the ride to the event, spend some time feeling your Family Coven’s connection. Visualize the bond of Family Coven violently vibrating when one of the members is in danger. Take some time to ‘feel’ how that is. Then visualize each child with a giant psychic sign that is constantly broadcasting, “If you touch my child with harmful intent then you will pay, ” over and over and over. Put all that Mother Bear, Father Lion energy into this psychic sign. If your child already has a familiar or spiritual guardian, call them to you and instruct them on protection of that child. Finally, visualize a conduit that runs from your child’s aura whose purpose is to siphon off excess energy they may pick up. This permanent grounding technique is useful not just for gatherings, but any event where there will be large crowds with lots of mixed energy.

6. Identify your Family Coven and tag your child. Wear the same colored shirts to an event. Put wristbands on your children with their name, your name, a cell phone number and any medical information (allergic to bees, peanut butter) . If they are toddlers, pen a piece of paper with this information on their backs.

7. Make a game plan. When you arrive, get the lay of the land. Make sure your children know how to get to your camp (home base) , the bathrooms and one central location (far base) . Practice once. Leave children at far base and have them find you on their own (appropriate for ages 8 and above, reference 1) . With your partner plan ahead the times you will watch and the times they will watch or make arrangements with another Pagan mom or dad to do the same.

8. Put a radio collar on your children. Buy two-way radios and find a way to fasten them to the child. Use the radios for ‘safety check ins’ and to help ease communication in the event of an emergency. Your wristband might even read, “In case of emergency, use radio to contact mom on channel 7.”

9. Make visual contact. Even if you use radios, every three hours physically lay your eyes on your child. Look them over. They will be dirty, but are they bleeding? Do they need food? Should they eat even if they say they don’t want food? Do they need WATER? Are they dehydrated? Are they over heated? Are they cold? Do they need dry clothes?

10. Have your children participate. Don’t just let them run wild. No one appreciates that and it doesn’t add spirituality to the gathering experience. Have your children attend events or workshops that are permitted for children. If you are going to a public circle and you know there will be no children activities; bring something for the child to do so they can be occupied and busy.

11. Keep the Family Coven Schedule. Adjust sleep times some; however, recognize that even you get cranky if you don’t get enough sleep, so by ensuring your children eat properly, get enough rest and are hydrated, you are also cutting down on the potential behavior problems.

12. Have your Family Coven come to home base once a day and have an afternoon or evening meal. Ask the children who they have met, where the other kid’s camps are, who they came with. Go meet those parents later. Make an effort to use the gathering as an opportunity to further the bonds of Family Coven.

13. Monitor your children and the community you are participating in. If you see something that upsets you, leave. If you have a problem with someone acting inappropriately to you or your children, leave. If you go to ritual and get a feeling that something isn’t right, leave. If your child tells you they are not comfortable, leave. If the community seems unreceptive to your Family Coven, leave. Your karmic responsibility is to your Family Coven. Your children are your spiritual legacy. Treat them that way.

It is so easy to simply believe that all gatherings are safe, all Pagans are perfect and all Pagan playgrounds have a magic barrier of protection no pedophile can penetrate. Discernment is a witch’s best weapon and discernment teaches us, that those ideas are a fantasy. Mother Priestesses and Father Priests have a calling to their children above all and they must think about these issues, plan for these issues and investigate the groups and events they attend to ensure they are safe. The karmic responsibility falls to Mother Priestesses and Father Priests.